Follow your heart

My roommate, Paul Russell, who is staying with the same host family as me is a pretty cool cat. (he's single ladies...but he's not on facebook.com, but I might know someone who knows his e-mail address, if you're interested...)

Anyway, sometimes when we are trying to decide what to do or if I am thinking out loud--which is a really unfortunate habit of mine--Paul will frequently tell me, "Follow your heart."

I don't always know what my heart is telling me. It gets confused at times. The little neurons in my brain also tend to mix up the signals from the little-red-pumping-thing

Last weekend, I was in Paris. I was alone. I know, I know. Alone.In.Paris. Epic fail! What was I thinking!? At first I thought it was kind of a bummer, but I realized that it gave me much needed time to think some things through which had been weighing on my mind the last little while.

As a side note there were two Dutch girls who asked me to take their picture near Notre Dame, which I did. Afterwards they asked if I was in Paris alone to which I replied, "sort of." I had a co-worker who was in Paris with her Parisian boyfriend and we had planned to potentially hang out. The Dutch girls asked if I wanted to "make party with them." I ran away. Suave.

Anyway- back to the story- as I was walking around, different songs were running through my head as odd as that might sound. I like to think that I have a sound track to my life and maybe this is my unconscious way of having it play. All the songs going through my head had to do with "home".

Without going into the nitty gritty details, at the time I was in Paris, I was potentially going to stay in Brussels for a pretty exciting opportunity and I was seriously considering it. Yet, as I walked past the Arc de Triomphe and the Eiffel Tower I had a feeling that my time in Brussels was coming to an end, not just beginning. It was surreal. So I followed my heart like Paul is always telling me to do and before I got back to Brussels, I had decided to not accept the opportunity in Brussels.

I've posted a few of the songs below to give you kind of an idea of what I was feeling. Sorry that some of them aren't necessarily the "original" or actual videos of the songs...some of them are blocked because I am in Belgium, but you'll get the idea.

I know it's not September...not even really close. But this song was in my head.

"Of all the things I still remember, summers never look the same, years go by and time just seems to fly, but the memories remain...reflecting now on how things could have been, it was worth it in the end."

This journey into the land of Belgium has definitely been worth it and time really has just seemed to fly.

"When every boat has sailed away, and every path is marked and paved; when every road has had its say, then I'll be bringing you back home to stay...look how far your dreaming's gone."

"When every town, looks just the same; when every choice gets hard to make; when every road has had its say, then I'll be bringing you back home to stay."

I feel like I am being brought back home to stay. For how long, I don't know, but for now, that's where I am supposed to be. As I'm graduating in May, I am, perhaps, a bit reflective on my "college-days" and the line "look how far your dreaming's gone" really struck a chord with me. Entering into school, all of the adventures I've been on- interning on The Hill in DC, working for a Senator, living abroad- all seemed like pipe dreams and now I look back and I did it. I hope that doesn't sound prideful or boastful, but sometimes dreaming isn't just having your head in the clouds, its envisioning a future that can really happen if you work towards it. How fortunate am I that it actually happened.

"Another airplane, another sunny place...I'm lucky I know, but I wanna go home."

"Another winter day has come and gone away and even in Paris and Rome and I wanna go home."

I've been extremely fortunate to visit even Paris and Rome and so many other amazing places the last three months I've been here, but again, there was this nagging feeling that it's time to leave all these amazing places for now. Some people might say it's homesickness, but I can tell you it's not. After spending two years in Ukraine, I know what homesickness is and it's not that. It's different even though I can't really explain it.

"Get caught in the race of this crazy life. Trying to be everything can make you lose your mind."

Sometimes I try to be everything to everyone and forget me in the process. I forget to ask, what do I want? What is my heart telling me? It's a good reminder.

"When adventure's lost its meaning, I'll be homeward bound in time...set me free to find my calling, and I'll return to you somehow."

"Then the wind will set me racing as my journey nears its end and the path I'll be retracing when I'm homeward bound again."

I find this song hauntingly beautiful. When I was on my mission, I would sometimes imagine that these were the words I was telling my parents. They have always "set me free to find my calling", always encouraging and never getting in my way or setting up obstacles and in return I always want to say, "I'll return to you somehow." I want to say that I understand it's hard to let me go off on my own, without knowing when or how long I'll be away, but wherever and for however long, I will always return home somehow.

Sister Davis, my mission president's wife, had a little cross stitch in the mission home that said, "There are two bequests you can give your children. The first is roots, the second is wings." My parents have done this for me as sappy as that sounds.

So there you have it. An overly long and overly personal blog post about following your heart when you are at a fork in the road.