My university held commencement this morning and later on today my college will hold its commencement exercises. Several months ago I was asked to submit a speech for my university's commencement. Being asked to submit something was flattering, but I was not ultimately selected to speak. The speakers who did speak were fantastic and I am still digesting what they said and future blog posts may come as a result of their remarks. Still, I think what I wrote for the speech I would have given sums up my feelings today so I thought I'd share it with everyone who reads my musings.
As I stand here today, I can’t help but remember the day when everything started for me at the University of Utah. I was a little bit apprehensive as I got off Trax and hurried off to my first college class. It was a 7:30 AM National Government course with Dr. Dan Jones and I had heard he was a pretty tough professor. Neither of my parents graduated from college and I remember my mom saying she was scared of how big the University of Utah was when she thought about attending. My parents are from small towns in CacheValley, so SaltLake was a big city to them and the U’s student population was 15 times the size of the towns where they grew up. My mom won’t let me tell you how many years ago that was, but mom, the U’s even bigger now then it was then.
My mom’s fear of the U was in the back of my mind as I made my way to OSH. I arrived at 7:25 AM and was relieved that I had not only found the classroom, but that I had five minutes to spare. I walked in to find an auditorium filled with students and Dr. Jones already lecturing at the front of the class. The only empty seat in sight was, conveniently, right in the middle of a row. As I crawled over other students and their backpacks to get to the empty seat, I kept thinking this is not quite the start I had envisioned. Once I got to my seat, I looked around and realized that the syllabi had already been distributed. Dr. Jones was lecturing so, rather than interrupt, I just hunkered down and started to take notes. After class I sheepishly made my way up to the front to pick up a syllabus from Dr. Jones who proceeded to ask my why I was late and telling me how important it was to be on time. I didn’t mention the fact that I was on time, in fact five minutes early, because, well, I was scared of Dr. Jones.
Little did I know that this class and professor would have such a profound influence on the trajectory of my academic career and ultimately help me find my home at the University of Utah. It was in that Dr. Jones class, where I first heard about some of the opportunities at the U and more particularly the Hinckley Institute of Politics. I still remember Bryson Morgan from the Hinckley doing a classroom announcement at the beginning of class (I was on time—at least 10 minutes early I mean—the rest of the semester for the record so I didn’t miss things likes this). I wanted to be just like Bryson. So I made my way up to the Hinckley and started talking with the Hinckley Folks about internship opportunities, the Hinckley Journal, and scholarships.
It was all so interesting and exciting, but for me, it was even more meaningful because I felt I had found my home on campus. And I am sure those in the Hinckley can attest to that fact, because I was always pestering them with my presence whether they wanted me there or not. My relationship with Dr. Jones grew as well and I think he may have forgotten I was late that first day or at least forgiven me, because he let me be his TA for another one of his classes later on. It could also have been his form of revenge as I had to deal students late to class as well. It was another 7:30 AM class.
My relationship with Dr. Jones, the Hinckley, and many other professors and mentors from the U led to unforgettable experiences like interning in Washington, D.C. with Senator Bennett followed by 3 years on his Salt Lake City staff. I was so excited when I heard the news that he will be joining the University staff. The support, encouragement, and cheer leading from the Hinckley and dedicated professors led me to become a Truman Scholar. Their resources and letters of recommendations allowed me to spend the last several months in Brussels working for NATO while world events and history were made around me. As I look back on all these experiences, I realize that I would not have had them at any other institution besides the University of Utah and for that I will always be grateful.
I think that every student, every person for that matter, is looking to find a place where they belong. “The Road Home,” a song I first heard performed by the University Singers, sums it up nicely saying, “There is no such beauty as where you belong.” College is a time of finding one’s self, one’s passions, and one’s opinions. It’s a time of finding where you belong. Fortunately the University of Utah has amazing programs in wide-ranging fields and covering many interests that I don’t think that my story of finding a home and success on campus is by any means unique. So to the University of Utah—the professors, advisers, and my fellow students here today—thanks for helping me feel like I belong. Go Utes!
Well Brussels, I'm heading out. The game is over. Kaput. Finished. The end. But I have two words before I leave: Thank you.
Okay so maybe I have more than two words, but I really could just leave it at that. Brussels, you see, there's a corny song that says "because I knew you, I have been changed for the better" and I feel like that about you. I'm serious.
I've heard people talk about getting "Brusseled" and would offer a litany of reasons why Brussels wasn't as pretty or exotic or exciting as some other city in the world. They would talk about the times the buses didn't necessarily run on time or at all (to read more about Brussels transportation fun click here) They would mention extreme cases of getting pick-pocketed or taken advantage of in a restaurant and chalk it up to "Getting Brusseled."
Brussels, don't believe a word they say.
You've been good to me. Really good. Yesterday I found a 50 Euro bill sitting on an escalator going down to the metro. Talk about getting "Brussled". I looked around for someone who might have dropped it, but there was no one around. Honest. Brussels, I think you gave me that 50 Euros because you like me too. But even if I hadn't found the money on the ground, I would have felt the same way about you.
You let me live with a Countess and her awesome family; including Titus the dog. To the Van Cutsems (Berenice, I know you're blog-stalking me so feel free to pass this along :) I'll never forget how you welcomed me and immediately made me feel like your house was "home." Brussels, my experience with you would be a bit shallow had I not lived with the Van Cutsems. They made my experience so worth it.
My bags are stuffed full of chocolate, Brussels, and other little trinkets for my family back in Utah. My mind is filled with cherished memories of three months in my life that I'll never forget.
I'll never forget Gran Place and the amazing architecture around the square. I'll always remember the "unavoidable atomium which is to Brussels as the Eiffel Tower is to Paris." (Okay so I stole that from the Atomium brochure because the description was so awesome!) I won't forget the funny shaped trees because someone decided that cutting trees into squares was vogue. I won't forget my time at USNATO, getting up at 5:30 AM to catch a 6:15 AM bus. It was okay getting up that early because I really felt like I was part of a team and was doing something that was valued.
Memories are just rushing through my mind right now.
When I get home tomorrow I probably won't sleep very well and I don't think it will be just jet lag. I'll be thinking of you and when sleep finds me I'll be dreaming of you. When I wake, I may be a bit confused as to where I am, but know, it's just because you've meant so much to me for the last three months.
I don't know when we'll see each other again, but I have a sneaking suspicion that we will.
My roommate, Paul Russell, who is staying with the same host family as me is a pretty cool cat. (he's single ladies...but he's not on facebook.com, but I might know someone who knows his e-mail address, if you're interested...)
Anyway, sometimes when we are trying to decide what to do or if I am thinking out loud--which is a really unfortunate habit of mine--Paul will frequently tell me, "Follow your heart."
I don't always know what my heart is telling me. It gets confused at times. The little neurons in my brain also tend to mix up the signals from the little-red-pumping-thing
Last weekend, I was in Paris. I was alone. I know, I know. Alone.In.Paris. Epic fail! What was I thinking!? At first I thought it was kind of a bummer, but I realized that it gave me much needed time to think some things through which had been weighing on my mind the last little while.
As a side note there were two Dutch girls who asked me to take their picture near Notre Dame, which I did. Afterwards they asked if I was in Paris alone to which I replied, "sort of." I had a co-worker who was in Paris with her Parisian boyfriend and we had planned to potentially hang out. The Dutch girls asked if I wanted to "make party with them." I ran away. Suave.
Anyway- back to the story- as I was walking around, different songs were running through my head as odd as that might sound. I like to think that I have a sound track to my life and maybe this is my unconscious way of having it play. All the songs going through my head had to do with "home".
Without going into the nitty gritty details, at the time I was in Paris, I was potentially going to stay in Brussels for a pretty exciting opportunity and I was seriously considering it. Yet, as I walked past the Arc de Triomphe and the Eiffel Tower I had a feeling that my time in Brussels was coming to an end, not just beginning. It was surreal. So I followed my heart like Paul is always telling me to do and before I got back to Brussels, I had decided to not accept the opportunity in Brussels.
I've posted a few of the songs below to give you kind of an idea of what I was feeling. Sorry that some of them aren't necessarily the "original" or actual videos of the songs...some of them are blocked because I am in Belgium, but you'll get the idea.
I know it's not September...not even really close. But this song was in my head.
"Of all the things I still remember, summers never look the same, years go by and time just seems to fly, but the memories remain...reflecting now on how things could have been, it was worth it in the end."
This journey into the land of Belgium has definitely been worth it and time really has just seemed to fly.
"When every boat has sailed away, and every path is marked and paved; when every road has had its say, then I'll be bringing you back home to stay...look how far your dreaming's gone."
"When every town, looks just the same; when every choice gets hard to make; when every road has had its say, then I'll be bringing you back home to stay."
I feel like I am being brought back home to stay. For how long, I don't know, but for now, that's where I am supposed to be. As I'm graduating in May, I am, perhaps, a bit reflective on my "college-days" and the line "look how far your dreaming's gone" really struck a chord with me. Entering into school, all of the adventures I've been on- interning on The Hill in DC, working for a Senator, living abroad- all seemed like pipe dreams and now I look back and I did it. I hope that doesn't sound prideful or boastful, but sometimes dreaming isn't just having your head in the clouds, its envisioning a future that can really happen if you work towards it. How fortunate am I that it actually happened.
"Another airplane, another sunny place...I'm lucky I know, but I wanna go home."
"Another winter day has come and gone away and even in Paris and Rome and I wanna go home."
I've been extremely fortunate to visit even Paris and Rome and so many other amazing places the last three months I've been here, but again, there was this nagging feeling that it's time to leave all these amazing places for now. Some people might say it's homesickness, but I can tell you it's not. After spending two years in Ukraine, I know what homesickness is and it's not that. It's different even though I can't really explain it.
"Get caught in the race of this crazy life. Trying to be everything can make you lose your mind."
Sometimes I try to be everything to everyone and forget me in the process. I forget to ask, what do I want? What is my heart telling me? It's a good reminder.
"When adventure's lost its meaning, I'll be homeward bound in time...set me free to find my calling, and I'll return to you somehow."
"Then the wind will set me racing as my journey nears its end and the path I'll be retracing when I'm homeward bound again."
I find this song hauntingly beautiful. When I was on my mission, I would sometimes imagine that these were the words I was telling my parents. They have always "set me free to find my calling", always encouraging and never getting in my way or setting up obstacles and in return I always want to say, "I'll return to you somehow." I want to say that I understand it's hard to let me go off on my own, without knowing when or how long I'll be away, but wherever and for however long, I will always return home somehow.
Sister Davis, my mission president's wife, had a little cross stitch in the mission home that said, "There are two bequests you can give your children. The first is roots, the second is wings." My parents have done this for me as sappy as that sounds.
So there you have it. An overly long and overly personal blog post about following your heart when you are at a fork in the road.
My last night in the mission field, all the missionaries who were leaving ate dinner and stayed the night in the mission home. The last time I had slept in the mission home prior to that night was my first night in Ukraine.
I remember looking out of the window and having a very surreal feeling. That night was my last one as a full-fledged missionary (my parents picked me up and they arrived the next day). I remember writing in my journal something like this (I don't have my journal with me right now so I can't say exactly what I wrote but this is close)- I can't sleep. I am sitting here, looking out of the mission home window, with eyes of wonder, trying to imagine how the last two years went by so fast and realizing how much I've changed.
There are times in each of our lives when I think we look around with eyes of wonder, being amazed at how we arrived wherever we are at. I find myself in that position right now. I look out of my window, right now, with eyes of wonder.
I find solace in music. I remember when I was little, I would sit under the piano bench in our house as my mom played the piano and sang and I was so comforted by this. Still, even today, when I'm having a rough go at it or just need a release of some sort, I will often turn to music. I came across this little ditty a while back as I was perusing the ole YouTube and it quickly became one of my go-to mechanisms to relax and realize everything will work out.
The lyrics of the song are:
Tell me, where is the road I can call my own, That I left, that I lost So long ago? All these years I have wandered, Oh when will I know There’s a way, there’s a road That will lead me home?
After wind, after rain, When the dark is done, As I wake from a dream In the gold of day, Through the air there’s a calling From far away, There’s a voice I can hear That will lead me home.
Rise up, follow me, Come away, is the call, With the love in your heart As the only song; There is no such beauty As where you belong; Rise up, follow me, I will lead you home.
I love the part where it says, "There is no such beauty as where you belong." As I find myself at a crossroads, I am hoping to find that place where I know I belong. I have a sneaking suspicion that there is a certain someone, a voice if you will, that will say, "Rise up, follow me" and even though I may not know it at the time, it will be leading me home.
So I finally succumbed and started a blog. It seems like an odd prospect to start something like a blog when my life feels like it is in flux...perhaps that's what led me to do this. I apologize in advance if this first post seems a bit scattered, but that's how I feel right now. Also, I apologize if my posts seem overly personal or reflective, but I've read a few blogs and I really enjoy when people write from the heart rather than with a worry of how they are perceived.
I booked a flight to Belgium a few days ago and I'll be leaving in January to intern with the U.S. Mission to NATO for a few months. I've never been to Western Europe and don't speak French, German, or Dutch...here's to hoping that knowing Russian will somehow come in handy!
Yesterday, I went to my last undergraduate class and it was weird, because, as I walked away and past other students hurrying to get to their classes or cars, it seemed like I was experiencing this rather historic end (at least for me) alone. I mean, none of the other students knew what was happening and as I became nostalgic and a bit glassy-eyed walking through campus one last time (well I do have those last few finals but those don't count), it felt like life at the U would go on without me or not.
For those of you who don't know, I have been working for Senator Bennett the last 3 years and he happened to give his farewell speech yesterday as I was finishing up class. In an exit interview with PBS, Senator Bennett said, "I want to make it clear that the cemeteries are filled with the graves of irreplaceable people." I don't think that Senator Bennett is saying that his accomplishments or anyone else's for that matter are not worthwhile, but that sometimes we get so caught up in ourselves that we somehow think we are greater and more important than we really are. I've certainly found that to be the case. Life goes on. People move on. The world keeps turning
Does that make it any easier? For me, no. In fact, I think that's what makes it all that much harder. I don't really enjoy endings in life and these last few weeks have been full of them...the end of my schooling, the end of my current living arrangements, the end of my job, the end of the year...
Yet, I would be remiss if I didn't throw out a cyber thanks to the irreplaceable people in my life. I'm not going to mention names, but I think you know who you are. Yes we are moving on. Yes we may move in different directions. Yes life most certainly will take unexpected twists and turns. And yes, I will remember you my friends. Despite the fact we may all soon be forgotten, I want you to know, "That all this nothing has meant more to me than so many somethings."
